


oh you better wait a minute

by middlecyclone



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Epistolary, M/M, Podcast, Social Media
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-07
Updated: 2018-06-07
Packaged: 2019-05-19 05:02:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14867100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/middlecyclone/pseuds/middlecyclone
Summary: Shane has a podcast. Ryan has thoughts.





	oh you better wait a minute

**Author's Note:**

> For clarity's sake: this fic is an epistolary fic told completely through emails, texts, and the odd tweet and facebook post. It is not a "group chat" fic. It's also an AU where, instead of being Buzzfeed employees who work together, Shane hosts a podcast and Ryan is his #1 fan/enemy.
> 
> Title is from Please, Mr. Postman. And yes, I'm aware that it's a little too on the nose.

TO:  ruininghistorypod@gmail.com 

FROM:  ghost_truth@gmail.com 

DATE: 3/22/2018

SUBJECT: A Correction

Hi Ruining History Podcast,

I just wanted to start out by saying that I really love your podcast, I really do, I look forward to it every week, it's one of the few things that makes my hellish commute bearable, etc.

But.

I couldn't help but notice that in last week's episode about pirates, you repeatedly said such things as "there is no such thing as ghosts" and "obviously, ghosts are not real." Again, while I love your show, I think this is really closed minded of you! There is so much evidence of ghosts out there if you go looking for it! There’s a lot of firsthand accounts from really reliable sources. There is footage of ghosts, confirmed footage of things moving on their own and halso footage of the ghosts themselves. Aside from that there's also lots of EVPs (Electronic Voice Phenomenons), so even if you think all the ghosts on camera are just lens flares and wires (which they AREN'T) there's no way you can deny the audio recordings some people have taken! That's some real evidence of communication with the dead right there.

Again, I love your show, and I'm sure you get tons of emails like this from all your fans all the time so I'm not expecting you to respond or anything. I just think that if you researched ghosts the way you researched Ben Franklin's sex cult, you might find some really interesting stuff!

Thanks,  
Ryan

 

TO: ghost_truth@gmail.com

FROM: ruininghistorypod@gmail.com

DATE: 3/22/2018

SUBJECT: Re: A Correction

Hi Ryan,

Wow! A lot to unpack here.

So first of all, while this is not the point, I just want to let you know that my heart is warmed -- WARMED, I SAY! -- by your misconception that I am flooded with fanmail. I am not. About eight and a half people listen to my show, and that list is as follows:

  1. My mother
  2. Karen, from my mothers book club
  3. My ex-girlfriend
  4. My ex-girlfriend's current girlfriend
  5. My ex-girlfriend's current girlfriend's ex-girlfriend
  6. My ex-girlfriend's current girlfriend's ex-girlfriend's current girlfriend (Yeah, I know.)
  7. Karen from book club's son, who my mother will _not_ stop trying to set me up with
  8. Various assorted friends, who I am counting as one entity because they all claim they "definitely listen, yeah man, every week, for sure," but I can count my iTunes downloads, and they're not even subscribed, those fake fuckers



 

So, anyway: was yours my _first_ email ever? Maybe. I'm not telling. That's for me to know and you to never find out. But what I will tell you is that it was, hands down, the _best_ email I've gotten, or at least the most contrary, and in my book contrariness equals fun, and in my book fun equals best. Tons of emails? Who’s to know. Tons of emails _like yours_?

Never in a million years.

So, anyway: ghosts aren't real.

They aren't real! They aren't real. They are not fucking real. Ghosts? Real? It's a no. Ghosts are many things, but one thing they are not:

Wait for it–

Real.

Here's the thing. You included in your email some examples of what you consider "evidence", aka footage and audio "recordings" of "ghosts". Look. All I'm saying is that it's incredibly easy to fake both video and sound with computers these days, and even if they haven't been faked with AfterEffects–well, they're still not very good. Shadow. Light. Wind blowing stuff around. Sure, there's tons of EVPs or whatever lying around, but I have yet to hear one that isn't just static with some ambient thumping noises in the background. I'm not convinced! I'm just not convinced.

And I’ve never heard a “first-hand account” that was anything more than complete and utter nonsense.

(Ghosts aren't real.)

Sincerely Yours,  
The Ruining History Podcast Team

P.S. In case you were wondering, the other half-a-listener is my mom's dog.  
P.P.S Oh, and please. Mr RuiningHistory Podcast is my father. Call me Shane.

 

TO:  ruininghistorypod@gmail.com 

FROM:  ghost_truth@gmail.com 

DATE: 3/23/2018

SUBJECT: Re: Re: A Correction

Shane–

FUCK YOU! I jj

 

TO:  ruininghistorypod@gmail.com 

FROM:  ghost_truth@gmail.com 

DATE: 3/23/2018

SUBJECT: APOLOGY Re: Re: A Correction

Hey Shane,

Sorry about that. Didn’t mean to hit send. Oops.

That was a little harsher than I usually try to get about ghosts, haha. And by a little harsher I mean way, _way_ harsher! Sorry. Again.

Without the profanity, I guess what I was probably going to say was something about how being skeptical and judgemental and dismissive of others opinions shows a narrow and closed mind. All I’m saying is that it’s a big world out there! A hundred years ago nobody even know about electricity or anything, and they thought you got the plague from, like, sinning or whatever. Maybe a hundred years from now we’ll have developed the technology to capture and communicate with ghosts and you’ll seem as ridiculous now as everyone in the olden days who thought you didn’t need to wash your hands before doing surgery.

I’m just saying.

-Ryan

P.S. Sorry again. God.

 

TO:  ghost_truth@gmail.com 

FROM: ruininghistorypod@gmail.com

DATE: 3/24/2018

SUBJECT: Re: APOLOGY Re: Re: A Correction

Ryan,

Maybe you’re right. Maybe I am closed-minded, and obtuse, and unwilling to see the “truth” that’s right before my eyes. But somehow I doubt it. The way I see it, I have science on my side and you … clearly don’t. (Do you think electricity was discovered in 1918? Do you really think the _plague_ was widespread in 1918? Really? And not, oh, I don’t know, the _flu_? Read a book on WWI please, for the love of God.)

So maybe in the future I will be the one who seems hilariously ignorant. Who can tell! Not me! But not you, either.

So like, maybe chill about the ghosts. I get it, we’ve all sent an email we never intended to even start typing, but still. “Way harsh, Tai,” etc. etc.

Anyway, I really have enjoyed our correspondence! But I think I’ve made my opinion on ghosts quite clear, and I feel obligated to inform you that any further energy you put into disputing my claims on the matter would be, honestly, quite wasted.

Best wishes,  
Shane

 

* * *

 

 **Sara Rubin (9:49 AM):** BRUNCH BRUNCH BRUNCH BRUNCH BRUNCH

 **Shane Madej (10:07 AM):** No sorry, I can’t :/ I have that stupid blind date my mom set up at 11:30

 **Sara Rubin (10:08 AM):** OMG I totally forgot that was today! I can’t believe you’re letting your mom set you up lol

 **Shane Madej (10:11 AM):** SHUT UP

 **Shane Madej (10:11 AM):** First of all, “let” is a very generous word for how this happened. I had little to zero input in this

 **Shane Madej (10:12 AM):** Second of all, you’ve been dating Annie for like a year. You’ve forgotten how grim it is out there. And let me tell you……...it is grim.

 **Sara Rubin (10:14 AM):** lolllllllllllllllll

 **Sara Rubin (10:14 AM):** is he cute at least?????????

 **Shane Madej (10:16 AM):** I have no idea what he looks like but my mom says he’s cute

 **Sara Rubin (10:17 AM):** Well your dad’s hot, so clearly your mom has good taste

 **Shane Madej (10:17 AM):** DISGUSTING.

 **Shane Madej (10:18 AM):** And also not true. My mom’s #1 celebrity crush is Bono so who the hell knows what this guy is gonna look like.

 **Sara Rubin (10:18 AM):** Hopefully not like Bono

 **Sara Rubin (10:18 AM):** Or at least if he does look like Bono, hopefully he’s not wearing the sunglasses

 **Shane Madej (10:20 AM):** thank you sara.

 **Shane Madej (10:20 AM):** you have really recalibrated my expectations for this date and by that I mean you have taken my already low bar and placed it gently upon the floor

 **Sara Rubin (10:20 AM):** ur welcome ✌️

 

* * *

  

 **Shane Madej** @shalexandej **•** 2h  
The new Charli XCX single sounds like Post Malone.

 **Ryan Bergara** @ryansbergara **•** 2h  
It is so rude when people are late!

 

* * *

**Shane Madej** @shalexandej **•** 1h  
You ever hear a distant train in the dead of a winter’s night? Mere thought rattles my soul. Good god, man. Anyway look, I get that I don’t use Twitter effectively.

 **Ryan Bergara** @ryansbergara **•** 1h  
There’s no way karma isn’t real because the universe is definitely punishing me for something. Not sure what yet, but definitely something. Probably all those times I didn’t recycle

 

* * *

  

TO:  sara_e_rubin@gmail.com 

CC:  worthitpodcast@gmail.com  ,  aniejeong@gmail.com 

FROM: ruininghistorypod@gmail.com

DATE: 4/8/2018

SUBJECT: INSANE COINCIDENCE !!!

Hi team,

So some of you may remember that earlier on this fine Saturday I, a self respecting adult, did the highly questionable act of going on a blind date organized by my very own mother. I was skeptical, I admit, and not without reason. But as it turns out ….

Well …

He was pretty hot.

But the crazy thing is that he actually listens to my podcast! Nobody in the world listens to my podcast! You guys don’t even listen to it unless you’ve been on that episode* and you guys are my best friends!

But he’s that guy who sent me those weird emails about ghosts being real. He’s that guy!!!!! Isn’t that crazy???

So basically what I’m saying is that I have to somehow learn to come to terms with the fact that I want to bang someone who A) my mom approves of and 2) THINKS GHOSTS ARE REAL.

Anyway, please advise.

My cordial regards,  
Shane

*Not blaming anyone. It’s very long. I’m just saying, Ryan listens.

 

TO: ruininghistorypod@gmail.com

FROM: andrew.ilnyckyj@gmail.com

CC:  sara_e_rubin@gmail.com  ,  aniejeong@gmail.com 

DATE: 4/8/2018

SUBJECT: RE: FWD: INSANE COINCIDENCE !!!

FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK, MADEJ, I TOLD YOU TO STOP EMAILING ME ON THE PODCAST ACCOUNT. I don’t care if you use yours for every aspect of your personal life, Steven and I ACTUALLY HAVE LISTENERS AND SPONSORS AND PROFESSIONAL CONNECTIONS and we DO NOT HAVE THE TIME TO FILTER OUT YOUR STUPID PERSONAL PROBLEMS when looking for ACTUAL RESPONSES from like, RESTAURANTS AND SHIT.

Anyway, ask him out, you useless muppet.

Andrew

Sent from my iPhone

 

TO: worthitpodcast@gmail.com

FROM: ghost_truth@gmail.com

DATE: 4/8/2018

SUBJECT: HELP MEEEEEEEE

Stevennnnnnnnnnn I need you to help me. I fucked up. I did something SO embarrassing. Okay, fine, no, it’s not that embarrassing but it is still PRETTY BAD, aka I went on that blind date my mom set up with the son of her, like, book club host or whatever it was and as it turns out ITS THE PODCAST GUY. The one who I sent like a million deranged emails about ghosts to. YES THAT GUY.

Anyway turns out he is just, like, INSANELY TALL for NO REASON which is not fair!!! How is anyone that tall! He’s also smart and funny and attractive and three weeks ago I sent him an email out of the blue that said FUCK YOU AJLSDKFJ, so I’m really not feeling too great about myself right about now.

WHICH IS WHERE YOU COME IN! Milkshakes tomorrow???? y/y????

-Ryan

 

TO: ghost_truth@gmail.com

FROM: steven_lim@gmail.com

DATE: 4/8/2018

SUBJECT: RE: FWD: HELP MEEEEEEEE

Ryan,

Sorry to switch accounts on you like this but Andrew hates it when people send personal messages to the podcast account. We try to keep things separate for obvious reasons, so in the future I would really appreciate it if you could email me at this address. Thanks!!!!!

Anyway, what I’m getting from your email is that you actually like this guy. And your mom likes him too! So that’s a good start, he’s pre-approved.

So what if you sent him a weird email? I’m sure he gets tons of weird emails. He probably doesn’t remember them.

Either way though……….. y/y/y/y to milkshakes <3

6 tonight? I can pick you up.

~Steven

 

* * *

 

 **Shane Madej (1:37 PM):** Hi Ryan! This is Shane, from coffee yesterday. I just wanted to say that I had a really great time and I would love to do it again sometime.

 

* * *

 

 **Shane Madej (1:37 PM):** SOS SOS SOS

 **Sara Rubin (1:37 PM):** what???????????

 **Sara Rubin (1:37 PM):** are you ok??

 **Shane Madej (1:38 PM):** I texted him.

 **Sara Rubin (1:38 PM):** your date guy?

 **Shane Madej (1:38 PM):** no, napoleon bonaparte

 **Shane Madej (1:38 PM):** YES, my date guy. And his name is Ryan

 **Sara Rubin (1:39 PM):**!!!!! exciting

 **Shane Madej (1:39 PM):** this is NOT exciting this is terrifying

 **Shane Madej (1:40 PM):** I need to retire to my fainting couch

 **Sara Rubin (1:40 PM):** you’re so weird. Chill out it’ll be fine

 **Shane Madej (1:40 PM):** he STILL hasn’t replied

 **Shane Madej (1:41 PM):** AND he has read reciepts off, that fucking jackass

 **Sara Rubin (1:41 PM):** c h i l l

 

* * *

 

 **Ryan Bergara (1:42 PM):** Oh hi!

 **Ryan Bergara (1:43 PM):** I had a great time too :)

 **Shane Madej (1:44 PM):** Would you like to maybe get dinner with me later this week?

 **Shane Madej (1:44 PM):** no pressure

 **Ryan Bergara (1:45 PM):** YES

 **Ryan Bergara (1:45 PM):** I mean, yes. I would.

 **Ryan Bergara (1:45 PM):** Are you free Tuesday?

 **Shane Madej (1:46 PM):** YES

 **Shane Madej (1:46 PM):** I mean, sounds good :)

 

* * *

 

 **Shane Madej (1:47 PM):** AAAAAAAAAAAAAA

 **Sara Rubin (1:49 PM):** lol

 

* * *

 

 **Ryan Bergara** with **Shane Madej** **  
** Just Now

❤️

 **In a Relationship with Shane Madej** **  
** May 1, 2018

247 likes

View 16 more comments

 **Sara Rubin** gayyyyyyyyy  
     **Shane Madej** replied • 18 replies

 **Niki Ang** :D

 **Steven Lim** happy for you guys :)  
     **Andrew Ilnyckyj** replied • 1 reply

 **Jen Ruggirello** nice.

 

* * *

 

 **Ruining History** @ruininghistorypod • 2h  
New episode up tomorrow! Also, please check out our sister podcast **@unsolved_podcast** if you like ghost stories and/or true crime, because it has a lot of both of those things.

 

* * *

 

 

TO: ruininghistorypod@gmail.com

FROM: andrew.ilnyckyj@gmail.com

DATE: 6/6/2018

SUBJECT: Unsolved

I cannot believe you honest to god started a podcast with your boyfriend

Sent from my iPhone

 

TO: andrew.ilnyckyj@gmail.com

FROM: ruininghistorypod@gmail.com

DATE: 6/6/2018

SUBJECT: RE: Unsolved

¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 

* * *

 

 

 **Sara Rubin (10:18 AM):** now yknow i’ve come to love and appreciate ryan nearly as much as you do over these past few months but i have to say it

 **Sara Rubin (10:18 AM):** he does kinda look like bono

 

**Author's Note:**

> The first draft of this was originally a Love, Simon AU but then I realized I didn't want to write a coming out story or a high school AU or homophobia of any kind. The second draft was almost twice as long and featured several haunted emails from a ghost (I know. I know.) I'm still not super happy with this, but I have posted it now before I could possibly make it any worse.
> 
> All the emails, email addresses, tweets, etc. found in this fic are completely fictional and any resemblance to reality is completely coincidental. The singular exception is Shane's tweet about a distant train in the dead of a winter’s night, which I pulled directly off his twitter account. Sorry for the plagiarism, Shane!
> 
> Last but not least, I don't really think Ryan looks like Bono. Sorry for the unfair libel, Ryan!


End file.
